(no subject)

[safe_as_life]

The rain starts early in the day, pouring down on Henrietta in sheets. It's the kind of rain that tends to keep people inside, but mostly they're just glad it isn't snow anymore. Spring is approaching quickly and this kind of rainfall is definitely the first sign of it. Gansey doesn't mind that it rains all day long, from first period to last.

It distracts him some, makes him feel nostalgic for things he can't quite put his finger on, and then worried for those same reasons. Then again, he's been a lot more distracted at school lately, not able to concentrate or pick up on his studies as much as usual. He wonders if it has to do with his anticipation to see Blue, because even now, that's all he's thinking about. Rain, the Camaro, Blue Sargent. Somewhere in the back of his head he's constantly thinking about Ronan too, but he supposes that's what best friends do.

By the time the last bell rings though, it's all about Blue. He certainly isn't going to let the rain stop him. Dinner, a movie, possibly sleeping over tonight. Yes, he definitely wants to ask her to sleep over tonight. He grabs his books and neatly puts them away, then goes to meet up with Ronan, Adam and Kavinsky by the front entrance. He has a good feeling about tonight.

Gansey practically races out of his last class, waving when he sees his friends, smiling as he hoists his bag over his shoulder. "Can you believe this rain? All day. Roads must be slippery."

Comments

[fucking_kavinsky]

Kavinsky watches Adam and he wants to say things. He has so many things to say, but he doesn't know how to say them. He wants to tell Adam that he knows how he feels because he killed one of his friends too. He killed him, and had to deal with the aftermath, the body, the way that shit made him feel. He killed that friend and then turned him into a dream.

But Adam doesn't talk to him, so Kavinsky doesn't say anything either, and the bottle of vodka in his hand becomes more and more inviting. He takes a long sip, then another, before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"I should've been there with you guys," he says finally. "It should've been me driving."

[leylined]

Adam stops midway through his third glass of water when he hears Kavinsky. It's the wrong thing to say at the wrong time, and Adam's anger comes back too easily. "Oh, I don't know about that. I mean, after all, there's more important things to do in life, like running off and getting-getting blitzed." He gestures at Kavinsky then, with the vodka in his hand. "What would have happened if you were there that would change things? You would have been there, you would have gotten high after everything went down, just like you are now. What fucking use do you even have here? You've just been popping pills and snorting that crap up your nose ever since you left school. You being there would only have made things worse."

[fucking_kavinsky]

Kavinsky narrows his eyes, tensing up immediately. "You act like I fucking knew that was gonna happen and I went to party anyway." He wouldn't have. He would have gone with them. He was already beating himself up over it. His fingers tighten around the neck of the bottle when Adam continues, and his face goes hard. "Fuck. You. I dropped everything to come help you guys. Where the fuck would you even be without me, huh?" He wants to take he bottle and smash it against the wall. The only thing stopping him is that this place is too important to Ronan for him to destroy.

[leylined]

"Happy," he says immediately. "Doing something that doesn't have to do with one of us killing someone. Not having to wonder if some rich kid junkie's gonna be around to help or not." Except that's a lie, Adam's killed before. As far as he knows, Kavinsky's lessened his use of drugs. He's angry, and Kavinsky just happens to be there. Before he can say anything, Ronan passes by with the news of Gansey being awake, and Adam almost immediately heads into the room, but he stops himself. Blue should be here. She always should have been.

So he heads the opposite direction, out of the house but doesn't see where she is. "Blue?" He calls out. "BLUE!" When no response comes, he pulls out his tarot deck, shuffles it, and glances at the card that pops up. One of the cattle barns. He moves with a purpose toward the one that feels right, and he sees a door haphazardly flung open. He heads in and calls out once more. "Blue? Blue, it's- Gansey's awake."

[fucking_kavinsky]

"Yeah, you were real fucking happy, Parrish. I didn't steer your car into that someone, did I!" He yells, because it stings. How useless he is, how all he does is fuck around and use drugs. How much happier they'd all be if he wasn't around. It rips into the very core of everything he's been trying to build up all these months and it does a good job of dragging him down.

He's this close to breaking that bottle after all, but then Ronan is passing by them, the most dejected look on his face, and he can't let that happen. He may have lost Adam and Blue, probably Gansey, but he still has Ronan.

He shoves past Adam and heads after Ronan, running to catch up with him. "Ronan!"

[the_greywaren]

Hearing someone behind him he almost broke into a sprint to put more distance between them. Until he heard K's voice. He keeps going, walking fast and hard away from the house that is now tainted with all of this shit.

"If you're here to tell me to go back to the house, save your breath."

A few more feet and he stops. He stares up at the sky with his hands resting on his hips. Breath comes fast and hard from his excursion. He takes a few more steps. Then sinks down to sit, letting the tall reeds of grass hide him from view. Knees hugged in his arms, face against his knees, he closes his eyes and tries to shut it all out.

[fucking_kavinsky]

Kavinsky slows when he gets closer to Ronan, not really sure what to say. He's still reeling from what Adam said, and the hard stance in Ronan's shoulders doesn't help. He feels a little like he got swept out into sea, and he's losing his footing on the one rock he managed to hold on to.

"I'm not." He watches Ronan, unsure if he should go over there and sit with him or not. He wants to ask what happened in there, if everything is alright with Gansey, but he imagines the explaining went pretty horribly and he doesn't want to poke at it. He's horrible at comforting people. He's shitty at knowing what to say. What fucking use do you even have here?.

He rubs his forehead with the back of his hand, then flops down in front of Ronan, pushing the tall grass out of his way, realizing he still has the bottle of vodka in his hand. He doesn't say anything, he just nudges Ronan's leg with it. Well. That's what he's good for.

[the_greywaren]

Ronan wants the bottle. He wants it bad. But right then, he'd rather have K. His big dopey eyes still looking at him like he matters, while everyone else looks at him with venom in their eyes. For a few quiet moments he just sits there with his chin on his knees watching the other. He's not sure of what to say.

The bottle is left in his hand but Ronan takes hold of his wrist. Letting his legs relax he pulls, silently pleading for K to come closer. K hasn't told him how he feels and if he did Ronan would tell him he feels the same. Swept out to sea. He needs K to hold on to before he floats away.

[fucking_kavinsky]

Kavinsky watches Ronan as well, looking at him like he's all that matters. In the end, it's the biggest truth he has. Ronan matters and he matters, and if they have each other, they'll get through all this crap.

Ronan doesn't have to do a moment more of pleading, because as soon as Ronan's hand is around his wrist, pulling, Kavinsky shifts around and crawls over between Ronan's legs, arms sliding around his neck as he pulls him close. He rests his forehead against Ronan's, closing his eyes. "It's done. It's over. Everyone's alive."

[the_greywaren]

His legs wrap around K, his arms too. Eyes close and he just holds on. Anyone who ever questioned the boy in his arms was an idiot. He might fuck up sometimes, might get lost sometimes, but he has heart. Today he put that out there helping Ronan. Even as their friends lashed out at him he stayed and kept trying to keep it all together for all of them.

"Can we stay here? Just us?"

The last place in the world Ronan wants to go right now is back to Monmouth. He wants to go to church and confess and he wants to stay here with K.

[fucking_kavinsky]

Kavinsky tightens his arms around Ronan, wishing he could pull all this pain from him somehow. He hates the way the rest of them see him again, but he hates even more how they're seemingly going to act with Ronan now. They were honestly trying to help, but it wont ever be seen that way.

"We can stay here, yeah. Just us. We can absolutely fucking do that." He doesn't want to go back to Monmouth either. Not with what will be waiting for them there. He almost lets out a sad laugh, because he remembers when this is all he wanted. There's only with me, or against me. And now Ronan is with him, they're all against them, and they're going to be alone here. Just them.

"I can call a car for them. Get them back to Henrietta," Kavinsky suggests, because he doesn't think either of them will be driving back, and the rest of them arent cut out for it right now. He's still thinking of them, even now, and right now, he kinda hates it.

[the_greywaren]

Relief floods through him and he is able to relax a bit. Enough that he does actually take that bottle and take a drink. For a minute he was worried K would want to go back and he would either have to go with him or be away from him. Neither option was okay. This was what he wanted, his sanctuary with the only person who had his back.

"Thanks." He says quietly, a far more subdued version of Ronan Lynch. Something inside feels broken but not like when his father died or when that car stopped today and they saw Gansey dead. This was a different kind of break that he never imagined he would feel.

He blinks his eyes when emotion threatens to make its self visibly known. A hand wipes over his mouth and he takes another drink, swallowing down the vodka and everything bubbling up inside of him.

"Yeah. Call a car. I'm not going back until they are gone. Send one of them a text. I don't even know which one of them has a phone at this point." Ronan is thinking of them too. That Adam will probably panic if sat behind the wheel of a car. Blue will be a nervous wreck and turn the one hour drive from the Barns into a three hour trek. He had heard Gansey fall when he got out of bed, his limbs weren't going to be up to the task quite yet. As much as he was thinking about why they needed a car and concerned with getting them home safely, Ronan just wanted them all out of his house. He wanted them to go.

Ronan looked at K and smoothed a hand through his hair. "I heard what he said to you. Are you okay?"

[fucking_kavinsky]

Kavinsky would never leave Ronan alone. Not here, not at Monmouth, especially if he didn't want to be. He's pretty sure that even if he was pissed the fuck off and angry as hell with Ronan, he would still go right back home to him, wherever that would be.

"We'll dream up whatever we need, and grab the rest later." Depending on how long they stay here. It's no matter. He'll stay as long as Ronan wants, even if the trip back and forth to school is long.

Then he remembers that he didn't just dream up that pill he took. He stole it. He went into his forest and stole from it and he has no idea what will be waiting there when he goes back.

He tilts the bottle toward him and takes a sip as well, then tightens his arms back around Ronan. He doesn't want to call any of them. He knows they wont talk to him anyway. "You don't have to go back. We can just stay here" He rubs at the back of Ronan's head, unsure what to do with the things Ronan is feeling, but hoping he can be of comfort just sitting here.

At Ronan's question, he shrugs, "I'm fine. I've been called a lot worse things," he says, but it hurt him a lot more than he cares to admit. "I've got thick skin, you know it."

[the_greywaren]

"You have a phone on you?" Ronan could do it. He wouldn't call. Just send a text. Tell them a car would be waiting for them out front. That's all that needed to be said.

"We have money too. We could grocery shop like normal people." It was the truth and a bit of a joke, a flat joke that didn't even get a twitch from his taught lips.

"It's different. You let all of them in." They didn't have to talk about it, he wouldn't pry. Not for one second did he believe that K was alright. Taking the phone he calls for a car. Once he has it arranged he sends a text to all of their phones. Car will be here in 45 to take you home. Gansey should go see the psychics ASAP. Once the message had been delivered he turned the phone off.

[fucking_kavinsky]

"Yeah, but..." Kavinsky starts, but he's gonna be a pussy right now, and hand over his phone. Kavinsky can't imagine that even Gansey would ignore him. He can't bring himself to call Adam, though. So he lets Ronan do it.

Kavinsky doesn't laugh or smile either. He'll be alright, soon enough, but right now, this is how it is. "We gotta go back and grab our birds, too." He wonders if this is it. If this is the end of everything they had. He feels worse for Ronan than anything.

"I had it coming, Lynch. He wasn't exactly wrong." He just thought they saw him as more than that now. He supposes that's his fault though, for letting them in.

He watches Ronan text instead of call, which is probably a better idea, then tucks his phone away and moves his arms back around Ronan. "Are you gonna be okay?"

[the_greywaren]

"Whatever." Ronan didn't think he had it coming. They needed K and he ran to them as fast as he could. Still wasn't good enough for his 'friends'. It pissed him off, a lot.

He buried his face against K's chest and shrugged. "I'm fine. Fuck them."

[fucking_kavinsky]

He doesn't have anything to say to that, because everything is still digging far too deeply, and he knows mulling it over and over wont make a bit of difference. He takes the bottle of vodka, taking another sip.

He wonders if Prokopenko got the cars to a safe place. He hopes they shut the fuck up about it.

"They'll be fine. Gansey's there now. Fuck them for now. We did what we had to do." And his certainty in that wont ever change, for as long as Ronan believes it. "You wanna just stay out here, or go to the barns?" Everything is still cold and wet. Kavinsky realizes both of them are still shaking.

[the_greywaren]

"We can go anywhere as long as they aren't there." He hadn't even realized how wet and cold he was until K mentioned going into the barn. His hands were trembling, skin covered in goosebumps. If he had to stay out here and be cold and wet he would do that before facing any of them in the house.

How could you do this?

Taking the bottle he takes another drink. While Ronan isn't a heavy drug user he needs something. He needs those words out of his head.

"You have anything on you? Pills? I need out of my head."

[fucking_kavinsky]

"Anywhere you want, sweetheart," He rubs his hand over Ronan's head, pulling him closer, as if that would warm him up any. He hopes it does, a little. "We can do whatever you want."

Of course he has pills. Joseph Kavinsky, the junkie, he always has pills. He kisses Ronan's head and digs into his pocket, pulling out a baggie of assorted pills. "Got this, got some coke, but you probably don't want that right now." He pulls out four dream pills. "How about these. These'll mellow you out, make you feel good." He pops two, holding the other two out for Ronan.

[the_greywaren]

"I want to feel good." Anything but this. Coke wouldn't help. He took the pills and popped them in his mouth, chasing them down with a gulp of vodka. After a minute he stood up, pulling K up with him. He started walking for one of the barns that was further away from the house. This one had horses.

When they reached the stable he opened the door and lead K inside out of the cold. "Ever ridden a horse?"

[fucking_kavinsky]

"This'll help you feel good, don't worry. All my drugs make you feel good." He knows that much, because all he's ever tried to chase in life is some kind of good feeling. Something to make him feel alive. Even now, with what he has, he's still reliant on it, and he knows that's what's getting stuck in his head because of what Adam said.

He takes the vodka and downs some of it as well, then gets up with Ronan, sliding an arm around his waist as they walk. He glances back toward the house. He kinda wants to see Gansey, to make sure he's alive, but he knows he'll stay right here with Ronan.

"A horse? No.... actually, I haven't." He's never really had a chance to, or gone out of his way to, before.

[the_greywaren]

Ronan catches him looking back and stops. Shit. He hadn't even thought of that. K should have seen him alive. All he had done was to help Ronan save his life. He should have at least seen that he was in fact still breathing. He took a deep breath.

"Go." He says to K. "Go back to the house. Go see him. I know you need to."

[fucking_kavinsky]

Kavinsky furrows his eyebrows, looking at Ronan, then shakes his head. "No. No, it's okay. What the fuck am I gonna say anyway, you know?" He shrugs. "I don't know. They wont want me there." And honestly, he doesn't want to see all that friendship being revoked. He knows he was forced on them in the first place and now... well, now they have every excuse to hate him.

"Just show me the horses, ok? I'd rather be here with you."

[the_greywaren]

"You don't have to say a damn thing. I know you need to see that we didn't kill him." Ronan rubs his hands up and down K's arms. Over his shoulders and up the side of his neck until he is holding his face in his hand and looking in his eyes. "You saved his life, K. You did. You kept me alive. You were here for all of us the second we needed you." He gives him a quick kiss. "You are fucking everything to me and today you were even more than that. I'm so fucking proud of you and impressed with everything you've done. Even if you did it high. I don't give a fuck. They shouldn't either. We needed you and you were there."

[fucking_kavinsky]

"You saw him, right? He was awake, okay. I trust you. I trust that he's okay, because you saw him." And that's all he knows how to deal with right now. Seeing Gansey, it's a want, but it's not something he thinks he can face anyway. He doesnt' know what to feel, or what to think, until Ronan looks him in the eye and tells him that he's proud of him. That helps patch up the small holes that are threatening to tear through him. He nods, tugging Ronan closer. "I needed to hear that. Thanks. You did good too, Ronan. We pulled it off. We really did it. God damn it, we should be damn proud of ourselves."